a little sprout

               I was given this book by some exceptionally beloved family friends a long, long time ago. The book is dated back in 1976 - I was two years old then. This is now the reason why I date all of my own children’s books, I want them to know where, what and whom the second the manuscript is opened. It amuses me now to think how much joy I can find in these little discoveries that transport me right back to my past. I relive so many moments in my head, going back to memories that are jam-packed with joy and always include mom.  I often find myself gushing with how lucky I am (was) to have been so blessed to have that unbelievable woman as my mother.  Which  brings me to my point of why I am writing. These days I make cupcakes, it’s just something that I do and it’s now a huge part of who I am. Baking actually brings me serenity, brings me closer to my family and brings me nearer to the recollections of my adored mom...

Since my mother's passing, we are again facing some major changes... each bringing their own set of worries and pain you thought you already knew. My Dad is selling the house we grew up in. Thirty beautiful, stressful, wonderful, bittersweet years spent in that home. Christmas, Halloween, Easter- you name the holiday, my mom decorated the house for it. She always saw the light in pretty much anything- making things seem all the more special and memorable. All the things she held dear are now just that- things. There is almost too much- too much to take and try to hold on too with this major change. I've packed up photos, books, toys,  knick  knacks, clothes- anything I can grasp the past with; anything I can show my children to remind them of their precious Grandmother, to share stories of my beloved Mother and of a time and a place that will now be forever gone....   If I had my life to live over   -by:  - Erma Bombeck     “I would have t...

It’s truly as if almost every single day is a struggle for me and I don’t mean just with the outside world; it’s an inner battle mostly. I feel as though I’m floating through time right now, with no landing pad in sight.   It’s a new year and all I can think is- big deal. The one constant in my life is gone and I don’t know how to make sense of the humanity around me. I wander in disgust and cannot fathom these souls that don’t get along with their family or these people who just aren’t that close to their parents... Or rather- their Mothers……. What?   I don’t understand you… What a shame. What a sham. You were jipped? You know that right?     See, can you just hear the nauseating tone? I know it—I know I’m awful and I’m swear I want to work on it. But- not five minutes after these more clear and forgiving thoughts pass by, I’m suddenly thrust back into the anger, questions, resentment and pain that makes me spew these gross judgments all over everybody where ev...

  our first Thanksgiving without Mom This holiday season has already been more difficult than I could have imagined. As Thanksgiving neared, my sister and I talked constantly on the phone planning what we would make. After each call I’d get excited with the preparations, but then as quickly as my joy grew it stopped with a huge halt with the realization that our mother wouldn’t be with us.   And so, with each passing day that the holiday approached, so did my anxiety and pain. I began to feel as though I didn’t want anything to do with this maddening holiday this year and can’t we just skip it altogether. I cried to my sister a few times telling her I didn’t want to celebrate and that I’d rather stay home and be in bed all day long. The closer we got to the dreaded day, the more this idea of hiding out seemed like the way to go. Did I really want to be reminded of her absence all day long? Did I really want to go through the motions- feeling like my heart would fa...

Halloween last year It truly amazes me how quickly your life can change. Seasons come and go; leaves become gold and orange and then suddenly they’re gone- floating away on an autumn breeze. We crunched through those leaves with you, making memories that will last with me for as long as I live. Every day I hope and pray that my darling boys will remember you; your laughter, your kindness, your caring and deeply giving nature. I want them to really know that you were remarkable- and I recognize you’d most likely cringe with my saying that. Every move you made was for someone else, for another’s peace or happiness. You were and still are the definition of benevolence. And now, there is a gaping hole in my heart without you here and the pain is only manageable by the joy I see through my children’s eyes from them just living life. It is eight weeks today that I lost you and I will never, ever, ever be ok without you here. The solitary thing that keeps me going is within the h...

A few moments alone. Silence. Stillness. Seconds to recognize this massive space between an authentic connection and the existing isolation. A touch. Tremble. Release…. Suddenly overwhelmed by a flood of unhappiness and an immeasurable amount of discontent. Then tears. Endless the questions and fear seem. I wait… wonder and feel as though every step I take is the wrong one… leading back into this rotation. I cannot stop longing… I can’t … The ache is continuous and profound. Copyright 2011 Jennifer Rose  - Artwork by: Henri Matassi