a little sprout

  our first Thanksgiving without Mom This holiday season has already been more difficult than I could have imagined. As Thanksgiving neared, my sister and I talked constantly on the phone planning what we would make. After each call I’d get excited with the preparations, but then as quickly as my joy grew it stopped with a huge halt with the realization that our mother wouldn’t be with us.   And so, with each passing day that the holiday approached, so did my anxiety and pain. I began to feel as though I didn’t want anything to do with this maddening holiday this year and can’t we just skip it altogether. I cried to my sister a few times telling her I didn’t want to celebrate and that I’d rather stay home and be in bed all day long. The closer we got to the dreaded day, the more this idea of hiding out seemed like the way to go. Did I really want to be reminded of her absence all day long? Did I really want to go through the motions- feeling like my heart would fa...

Halloween last year It truly amazes me how quickly your life can change. Seasons come and go; leaves become gold and orange and then suddenly they’re gone- floating away on an autumn breeze. We crunched through those leaves with you, making memories that will last with me for as long as I live. Every day I hope and pray that my darling boys will remember you; your laughter, your kindness, your caring and deeply giving nature. I want them to really know that you were remarkable- and I recognize you’d most likely cringe with my saying that. Every move you made was for someone else, for another’s peace or happiness. You were and still are the definition of benevolence. And now, there is a gaping hole in my heart without you here and the pain is only manageable by the joy I see through my children’s eyes from them just living life. It is eight weeks today that I lost you and I will never, ever, ever be ok without you here. The solitary thing that keeps me going is within the h...

A few moments alone. Silence. Stillness. Seconds to recognize this massive space between an authentic connection and the existing isolation. A touch. Tremble. Release…. Suddenly overwhelmed by a flood of unhappiness and an immeasurable amount of discontent. Then tears. Endless the questions and fear seem. I wait… wonder and feel as though every step I take is the wrong one… leading back into this rotation. I cannot stop longing… I can’t … The ache is continuous and profound. Copyright 2011 Jennifer Rose  - Artwork by: Henri Matassi 

October's poplars are flaming torches lighting the way to winter. ~Nova Bair The aspens here in our state signal the beginning of the season's change and with it, I feel so many different emotions. I took a drive with my Dad, older brother and younger sister this past week to Mount Evans and was moved more than I ever thought I would be with the grand splendor of color highlighting our way. This trip wasn't just to admire our lovely mountains, it was for much more personal and arduous venture. But amazingly, the trees conveyed to me as we climbed this massive elevation- that somehow, I would be ok. Being without my mother is the most raw and pained I have ever been. There are days that don't seem real. My mom was a touchstone to all things tangible in my life; this loss causes me to I feel like nothing makes sense and as if this is not my life anymore. Who I am without her? I think of her smile or her laughter and suddenly the ache in my chest is so massiv...

Today, this lovely cooler air was blowing through the open windows of our bedroom as I gathered my thoughts. It's been so hot lately that being inside has become quite cumbersome and I'm nearly wishing it were autumn already. I tried to catch a light nap while my husband was attending to the boys and making dinner- but I only slept for mere moments. The combo of deep sadness along with ache of watching a loved one suffer is a nasty mixed concoction not good for anyone to swallow; so too much or not enough sleep at times is a dreadful side effect from this elixir of emotions. This was yet another almost unbearable day and one I wouldn't have dreamt would be my reality years back. Hospice put together a meeting with family and our mother's nurse, social worker and a chaplain to discuss the progression of this nightmare. I was of course, angry. I didn't go into this meeting with that frame of mind (even though that sentiment has been a bit of a companion for me as of l...

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. - William M. Thackeray I have been dreading this update for two weeks now .... no, actually I've been dreading it for a little over two years. This week was supposed to be a ‘chemo' week for my Mom but instead the Dr. said it was time to stop treatment. The chemotherapy isn't working anymore as my Mom's cancer marker numbers keep going up. Her Dr is afraid that at this point the treatments could be doing more harm than good; leaving her open to illness and infections (such as pneumonia) and he's afraid that its killing her white blood cells now. Mom told us that he said her chest x rays are "horrible" and that her lungs appear brittle. The tumors keep growing and treatments are just not helping anymore. ** Mom got oxygen delivered to the house this week too. Her blood oxygen levels are very low and she's always trying to catch her breath, so as hard as it is to take this t...

"When we are mindful, deeply in touch with the present moment, our understanding of what is going on deepens, and we begin to be filled with acceptance, joy, peace and love." -Thich Nhat Hanh "In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt." - Margaret Atwood Spring can seemingly drag a bit here -but its worth it. Snow in April can be the norm, as are days full of sunshine and heavy wind. Walking blissfully to get my oldest from school, my little guy and I are bombarded by the ridiculous afternoon wind. It serisouly appears from no where around 2 or 3pm, just in time for us to walk up to school. I start to get annoyed, really annoyed with this until I recall the walks in the snow and the harsh chill of the winter wind that whiped through us. I remember to be mindful of how lucky we are. Two days ago we had a few inches of snow, but now -its 70 degrees out; the mountains are to my left and the smell of grass trying to grow fills my nose. It is tru...