Flow over me ....

It’s truly as if almost every single day is a struggle for me and I don’t mean just with the outside world; it’s an inner battle mostly. I feel as though I’m floating through time right now, with no landing pad in sight.  It’s a new year and all I can think is- big deal.

The one constant in my life is gone and I don’t know how to make sense of the humanity around me. I wander in disgust and cannot fathom these souls that don’t get along with their family or these people who just aren’t that close to their parents... Or rather- their Mothers……. What?  I don’t understand you… What a shame. What a sham. You were jipped? You know that right?   

See, can you just hear the nauseating tone? I know it—I know I’m awful and I’m swear I want to work on it. But- not five minutes after these more clear and forgiving thoughts pass by, I’m suddenly thrust back into the anger, questions, resentment and pain that makes me spew these gross judgments all over everybody where ever I go.

I think of Mom hearing these hateful words and I’m sick. I know she’d be disappointed in me. Mom never walked around with anger or feeling like things weren’t fair. Why I am so different from her? Why can’t I be this other person who forgives and moves on gracefully?!

I can’t seem to do it yet. In a few days it will be four months…. Just four months since it was decided best somewhere to take my Mother from this Earth at 67.  

There are days that I find peace in reading works by Thich Nhat Hanh, his words are profound  and they touch my soul….  but again, this tranquil feeling stops. I try every day but somewhere along the line, those serene thoughts end and I’m driven mad with so much fury I could scream. And what compounds this frustration is feeling as though I should keep my mouth shut…. Ok Jen, we’re over hearing this… Aren’t you over feeling like this yet?! 

I lay in bed at night and I go back to those last few days… just one Saturday afternoon in September when my world shifted and everything we’d been dreading for two and half years came to pass. I remember my Dad’s voice that night and I knew in my soul something had changed with Mom and I needed to be there. I held her hand. I cried and cried and cried. And as she had always done, she gave gifts to us; awaking to say “I love you too” when each of us wept our love to her. Those last nights were so long but way too short as we clung to her bedside watching our beloved sweet Mom go from bad to worse.

Nothing will ever seize away the pain of watching her take her last breathes. On a good day I can recognize the gift I was given to be able to BE THERE as my Mom slipped away- peacefully.  So many people don’t get that and I know how truly lucky I am that I was there. I’m lucky that angel was my Mom. I’m lucky that I got to know her as a daughter and a friend. I’m so very lucky that I have memories –beautiful memories that she gave to me and my family every moment she was on this Earth.

And so, inevitably I found myself not really caring about New Years… just another silly day for me. I think of all the people running to the gym to start that diet or make those resolutions and I stand back and judge … like a real big jerk. If I could actually stop this silliness and let Mom flow over me… I can see clearer. She’d never want me to be this way. I know it.

I guess my resolution is a prayer this year.

Please God- please help me to let go. Help me let go of my anger and not let it consume me anymore. Please help me find the way to love and light again…and remember the blessings I do have. Amen.