I haven't written here in such a long, long time, it sort of feels odd to do so. But it honestly seemed like it was time to start expressing myself here again. I guess this is just an update post for me. I write so much on my phone these days that it's nice to take a break from that. It's strange to think that when I was more active here I didn't even have a cell phone. I'm sure that must sound insane to some people but it's true. I was a stay at home mom with a home phone and I occasionally used a flip phone. I think I only used that thing to call when I was on break from my classes at school or from my retail jobs I worked around the ex's schedule. So now I have a cell phone that I use for nearly everything; calendar, phone, camera, videos, writing, keeping in touch with family and friends, social media and music. Oh my gosh, that is just nuts. Things were not like that when I lost my mom 8 almost 9 years ago.
I do have a few areas to discuss... where do I start. Well, I guess a good place to start as any other we be that I'm single ...basically. We have been separated for 3 1/2 years now (since late 2016). D has stayed here at times over these years, but only on the couch downstairs (a week or a few months at a time). It's not romantic in nature, we've tried that (even without being intimate) and it didn't work. It never does. We just don't fit as a couple anymore. It's nice, we do have moments of supporting one another and other times I feel like he's leaving me to do everything, take on everything alone all over again. It is truly more surprising than the cell phone actually, that he and I can get along as friends and try to co parent together. I am thankful to have him in our lives but extremely grateful that we are not a couple anymore. We just became much too toxic to one another. It's nice that we can still enjoy a movie and popcorn together at the town home. The boys are almost always happy to have him around in any capacity.
There have been health issues in these past years (especially from 2016 on) that have made life a lot more difficult to manage but have shown me how incredibly thankful I am for waking up each day. These bumps in the road of getting older and changing health were catalysts to finally end my marriage. As has rough as things were that I went through physically, there were reasons behind the madness and pain. And I'm thankful now for it. Depression has also made an appearance, carving itself a spot in my life, trying to be permanent (a topic I'll touch on more in another post) and that has been deeply challenging. Over the years struggles have been a great source to show who is really there for you out of love and not for whatever their selfish motives might be. I'm still shocked about the people I've watched walk out of my life but I see it all now as blessings. So again, times get tough for a reason even if it makes no sense, eventually it will.
I didn't join apps like Instagram until 2016, frankly I did not see why I needed be on sites like that until life changed when the marriage was over. I have a strong love/hate relationship with being online. I thoroughly enjoy having feedback on my work and in turn being able to relate with other writer's work. But I do have to take breaks because as real as it all seems, most of social media is an illusion. Its a contrived, manipulated environment that can bring out all of the insecurities you might have forgotten about since high school. I've found the biggest problem with social media is how easy it is to get lost in comparing yourself to e v e r y o n e else's life. This regrettably that happens much too easily there. Stepping back from those apps is so important. Actually it's vital.
These days I feel like I've found a new definition of happiness in life through a different lens. Without question my wonderful teenage boys bring me continuous joy but it has also been in finding my voice again. Speaking out as a woman, a writer, once a victim now an advocate against of sexual abuse, a feminist and of course, as the sappy romantic I have always been.
Comments
Post a Comment