Autumn without you....

Halloween last year

It truly amazes me how quickly your life can change. Seasons come and go; leaves become gold and orange and then suddenly they’re gone- floating away on an autumn breeze. We crunched through those leaves with you, making memories that will last with me for as long as I live.

Every day I hope and pray that my darling boys will remember you; your laughter, your kindness, your caring and deeply giving nature. I want them to really know that you were remarkable- and I recognize you’d most likely cringe with my saying that. Every move you made was for someone else, for another’s peace or happiness. You were and still are the definition of benevolence. And now, there is a gaping hole in my heart without you here and the pain is only manageable by the joy I see through my children’s eyes from them just living life.

It is eight weeks today that I lost you and I will never, ever, ever be ok without you here. The solitary thing that keeps me going is within the hopes that I am somehow making you proud. I want to emulate your life in some way just to show you how much you did impact my way living life, raising my children and my aspirations as an adult. I want to pick up the phone 10x a day to tell you some story of what happened today, or to tell you what the boys’ said that was so funny,  or what I made for dinner or to just to hear your sweet voice. I sat with you and watched you leave this Earth and even so, I still struggle daily with “how can she be gone? – how is she not here?” The hurting seems everlasting.   

Most of the leaves are gone from the early snow, but the ones that remain articulate love to me and I can hear your steps from that day; walking in the gutter with my boys, smashing leaves with a smile. I do so miss you Mom. My heart breaks in your absence. I wish you could see the boys’ costumes and share in the season as you always did; with a blissful and grateful soul enjoying every single second of life. I remember what you taught me and I try to see things as you did, with a gentle and generous spirit.