what to be thankful for

 our first Thanksgiving without Mom

This holiday season has already been more difficult than I could have imagined. As Thanksgiving neared, my sister and I talked constantly on the phone planning what we would make. After each call I’d get excited with the preparations, but then as quickly as my joy grew it stopped with a huge halt with the realization that our mother wouldn’t be with us.  

And so, with each passing day that the holiday approached, so did my anxiety and pain. I began to feel as though I didn’t want anything to do with this maddening holiday this year and can’t we just skip it altogether. I cried to my sister a few times telling her I didn’t want to celebrate and that I’d rather stay home and be in bed all day long.

The closer we got to the dreaded day, the more this idea of hiding out seemed like the way to go. Did I really want to be reminded of her absence all day long? Did I really want to go through the motions- feeling like my heart would fall out of my chest?

I have pictures of Mom all over the house. I talk to her through these photos sometimes; it makes me feel a smidge nearer to her. Roads make me think of her, when I catch the snow on the mountains tops, the light coming in my kitchen window dancing on the pink geraniums she gave me all remind me of my enormous loss and again, I’m left to wonder if I really truly like this world anymore.

But as I gaze upon her photos and that light coming from her brilliant smile, I know what she’d want me to do. It would wound her to think of me omitting Thanksgiving just to avoid the pains that are already there- deep within my daily life— truly in every moment to moment of my existence. She’d want me to stop and remember what the day is all about; family.

Mom’s joy of living life can’t be forgotten and I won’t let it be just because I’m hurting. And so we went onto my sister’s lovely home to help assemble a beautiful and memorable meal- in honor of my mom.  She was with us, surrounding us—keeping smiles on our faces although our hearts were breaking.

There is a deep space in my life and as much as I try, most days I stumble, weep and feel at a complete loss of how to go on without her. The reality of my life has shifted and although I want to be hopeful I find it extremely difficult… especially now as the snow falls, the tree is lit and the smells and sounds of Christmas draw near.

I know nothing will be the same and it doesn’t matter what people say; time is not a friend…. I hear the sounds of yelling and laughter from my two children and only then, I am reminded of the love and patience that she gave to me and how I want to pass that onto my boys. And then I stop and realize that yes, I am thankful.

So I look to the memories of her smile and how her sweet and blissful heart were even more full around the holidays and try to let that lift me and guide me to get through another day.