take the long way home ....

October's poplars are flaming torches lighting the way to winter. ~Nova Bair


The aspens here in our state signal the beginning of the season's change and with it, I feel so many different emotions. I took a drive with my Dad, older brother and younger sister this past week to Mount Evans and was moved more than I ever thought I would be with the grand splendor of color highlighting our way. This trip wasn't just to admire our lovely mountains, it was for much more personal and arduous venture. But amazingly, the trees conveyed to me as we climbed this massive elevation- that somehow, I would be ok.

Being without my mother is the most raw and pained I have ever been. There are days that don't seem real. My mom was a touchstone to all things tangible in my life; this loss causes me to I feel like nothing makes sense and as if this is not my life anymore. Who I am without her?

I think of her smile or her laughter and suddenly the ache in my chest is so massive that I don't want to take another breath.

I became aware after she passed that something, somewhere knew I wouldn't be the same when she died; therefor two blessings were bestowed upon me to make the passage tolerable.

The life that still courses through my veins is because of my two children. They're lives make mine endurable. Each night I go to sleep hurting- and then each morning these two angelic voices fill my ears and instantly contentment and peace become mine once again. Even inside my haze of selfishness and sadness I still manage to stop and recognize the blessings I do possess. We almost lost mom years ago but she fought back and within that time, I've grown, had my own family; and only now I'm able to see the depth of the gift of additional time.


That extra bonus of time we had has somewhat aided in my journey now. I perceive things slightly more clear with an accepting heart, thankful for memories, lessons taught and true love that will be cherished, endlessly from this day on.

The air that day as we drove smelled of wet leaves and a freshness that enlightened me that as the seasons change again so does life.... If there wasn't an end, would we see the new, clean, unmarked beginning waiting in front of us? I feel that I must look at things this way or I would be letting my mom down and my boys down -- and that I would be turning my back on all that precious time we had before this heartbreaking bereavement and loss.

I want to believe that I'm on a path to becoming improved on my way. Mom always said that I had to do something the wrong way several times before I got it accurate ... and boy, was she ever right! I think I do still take the long way home- but finding my approach has become a more mindful, grateful and even an harmonious odyssey.


*I felt you in the trees that day Mom and when the sun slipped through the clouds your warmth spoke to us ....and I felt you say- Rosey, its gonna be all right.