Mom

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.
- William M. Thackeray

I have been dreading this update for two weeks now .... no, actually I've been dreading it for a little over two years.

This week was supposed to be a ‘chemo' week for my Mom but instead the Dr. said it was time to stop treatment. The chemotherapy isn't working anymore as my Mom's cancer marker numbers keep going up. Her Dr is afraid that at this point the treatments could be doing more harm than good; leaving her open to illness and infections (such as pneumonia) and he's afraid that its killing her white blood cells now. Mom told us that he said her chest x rays are "horrible" and that her lungs appear brittle. The tumors keep growing and treatments are just not helping anymore. **

Mom got oxygen delivered to the house this week too. Her blood oxygen levels are very low and she's always trying to catch her breath, so as hard as it is to take this turn- I'm happy she's getting some relief. The portable tanks are a blessing as well, making trips out of the house a lot easier on her. It pains us all to hear her cough and cough.... Nothing hurts more than seeing her suffer. And of course, she is trying to remain upbeat- like she always is.

Even with the Dr telling her that she'll most likely feel a lot different in a month or so, she said he could be wrong (I agree that he could be wrong as well) and she will continue to fight. Being positive is her best weapon right now, so I am standing behind her in this-with my shields of love up, trying desperately not to break down in front of her.

Tomorrow she has hospice coming to her house to talk to all of us-well, my brother, sister, Dad and me-the spouses and kiddies aren't coming for this get together. Mom wants us to all be to talk and share about what is going to happen. Hospice will be coming to their home every week (with a regular Dr visit in a month) so my Mom still feels she has some sort of continued care.

I lost my best friend at twenty two years old and the pain of that still affects me today-and that's not including the deep dark fears that have manifested from watching someone you love die so young from a simple virus. Even so, the pain doesn't compare or come close to this- not even by a country mile .... My entire life has changed this week and there are moments where I feel as though I can't breathe. It's as if this really isn't happening. Mom is staying so positive and strong that it helps me to stay strong. She amazes me.... Actually she amazes a lot of people. We're so lucky that so many people know what a truly warm, loving, unselfish and astonishing person my Mom is. I don't want to give into this pain, but I'm afraid .... I cannot imagine this world without her.... Nothing will make sense without her here.

As I've said before, she is the center of our entire family- the loving glue that keeps everything and everyone together. She never forgets a birthday, a thank you card, she volunteers, goes to church, book club, she used to sew for us, cook unbelievable dinners after a 50 hour work week and always makes you feel as though you're the only person in the room when you speak to her. Her devotion to be a good person pours from her soul the moment you meet her. She's quick to laugh and slow to judge. Her work ethic is what employer's dream of and oh so exceptionally intelligent. And at the same time, she's been a stay at home mom with unmatched cooking skill, always there to make the home-made cupcakes for school when we grew up, or decorating the house to the hilt every single holiday.


I can still see her perfectly as I write this--- dancing around the house while cleaning in flared jeans, her red hair bursting full of large curls bouncing to the Doobie Brothers on the stereo. Her inner and outer beauty always makes people stop and take notice. She exudes kindness and I'm not kidding with that. Her laughter is contagious and her eyes speak to you somehow- you instantly know she cares about what you're saying, what you're going through and she wants to help. The idea of not being with her is killing me and I'm not sure how any of us will handle it.


Oh... I could go on for days and days as the pain shifts to grief, anger, resentment and then back to pain ... All I know is that it doesn't end.... there are moments of peace then it all starts up again.


Children and mothers never truly part -
Bound in the beating of each other's heart.
- Charlotte Gray